How Do I Approach Someone I Suspect Is Experiencing Domestic Violence?

We speak to Lisa McAdams (Founder of Safe Space Workplace), Jess Hill (Australian journalist behind ‘See What You Made Me Do’) and Delia Donovan (CEO of DV NSW) on how to safely and respectfully check in with someone you suspect is experiencing domestic violence.

Q: "I hear my neighbours arguing a lot. Just from chatting with him, you can tell the type of person he is. I don’t know how to approach someone that I'm not really confident with, to ask if she's okay. How do I tackle that?”

LISA MCADAMS

Founder of Safe Space Workplace

“You've got to be comfortable being uncomfortable. ”

"When is the comfortable moment to say, “Hey, I hear things and I'm worried about you?” You don't have to say everything – just start the conversation. “Are you okay?”

If she says, “yeah, I'm fine”, just reply with, “Well, I'm here.” She may not know there's anything wrong. I remember a doctor said something to me; I told her about my ex-husband drinking 12 bottles of Toohey’s Dry a day, and her words were, “You do know that's not normal?” And I thought, no?

So just by telling her, you're showing her…humanity. She might brush you off, but just you asking that question – very gently, very openly, without expecting an answer – she might go away and think, “my neighbour had compassion…maybe I can tell my sister, my friend, my boss.”

But the important thing is to do it gently, do it with love. Tell her that you care. That you worry. Show her the compassion that's obviously not happening at home. It won't be comfortable. There's no point where you're going to get comfortable asking that question. Just be brave; because you could change her life. If she brushes you off, that's her defence mechanism. But you don't know what you're doing in her heart.

Even if she doesn’t talk to you about it, you might be opening a mirror to her.”

- LISA MCADAMS

JESS HILL

Australian journalist + author of
‘See What You Made Me Do’

“I remember a victim-survivor who's now working in government policy. She said the thing that really changed things for her was someone literally asked, “Are you safe at home?” And she was defensive, but it planted a seed in her.

“It was the first time she'd even thought about being safe at home. What would being safe feel like?”

And that's why the process of isolation is so key to coercive control. The whole point of isolation is to stop those questions being asked. And unfortunately, so often, we – friends, family, neighbours – do the job of isolation for the perpetrator because we back away, it all feels a bit too hard.

But just someone saying or asking something can put a chink in the window; it can start the process of coming to understand what's happening to you. You start to see what's happening to you through the eyes of another.”

- JESS HILL

DELIA DONOVAN

CEO of DV NSW

"This can be a hard situation and it depends on what you’re hearing.

“If you have concerns about the safety of any of the people in the house, you should always call police.”

If you don’t have such safety concerns, but do want to check if someone is ok, we would always suggest approaching them when they’re alone, without the other person present. If there is a violent situation, approaching the victim with the perpetrator there could put the victim in more danger, as well as yourself.

If you do feel comfortable, you can always start with a simple, “Hey, I’ve heard a lot of arguing coming from your apartment lately, and I just wanted to check that you’re ok and feel safe” - and then follow their lead. They may already have safety plans in place - and potentially a leaving plan. Or, they may not be ready for any of that yet.

However, giving them someone to confide in, if they are in that place to reach out, can be incredibly powerful."

- DELIA DONOVAN